Teh Harry Potter story of teh DOOM!
by Funkygranny
Summary: This would be Harry's 6th year if I was God. Ignore the stupid title and please R & R! OMG! Guess what! I updated! WOWZ!
1. Chapter 1

It was another boring day at 4 Privet Drive. Petunia Dursely was busy giving her readers cryptic clues about what the "something more" about her was. Vernon Dursely is not a goodie, blood relative or sworn nemesis of the hero, so we don't really care what he was doing. Dudley- well, at a guess, he was either bullying small children or eating.

Harry, the point of this story, was heartily enjoying his summer. His lawyers had had a meeting with JK Rowling's lawyers, and now Harry got 40 percent of her earnings. With this, Harry had managed to turn his room into a luxury bachelor pad.

As he was amusing himself by flicking the light switch on and off, an owl flew into his window with a note.

_Harry_

_Want to come and stay at my place for the summer? You'll get there somehow, you always do._

_Ron._

Harry replied with a letter saying

_Ron,_

_No thanks. You're poor. I'm rich(er) now. I'm clinging to my new life until the last possible minute._

_H._

And cling he did, to his new PS2, cool mirror, lava lamp, multifunctional gadget computer and his parent's photograph, onto which he had drawn an humorous pair of moustaches.

"OUT OF OUR RUDDY HOUSE, BOY! WE DON'T LIKE YOU!"

When they had finally prised him onto the Hogwarts Express, he found his way into a compartment.

"Hi, Harry!" shouted Hermione Granger, the best student in the year, and one of Harry's best friends.

"Ron's in there, brb."

Harry pushed open the door and saw Ron sitting staring into space, not breathing, not moving, until Harry coughed.

"Wha-? Oh, er, sorry mate, the author couldn't be bothered to make me move until the last minute," Ron told him

"There's an author? So if she decides to write about something else, I just-"

He froze for several minutes until Hermione walked in and sat down.

"Hey, what did you two get in your O.W.Ls?" she asked.

"Ohhhhhhh, so _that's _what this owl's doing!" said Harry, removing the owl that had been pecking him for several weeks, and opened the envelope attached to its leg.

"OH NO!" he screamed. "I GOT A T IN EVERYTHING!" "Wait, this is Ron's. _This_ is mine." He scanned his results.

"OH MY GOD, I GOT A T IN EVERYTHING!" screamed Hermione.

"Woohoo! I got an O in everything!" yelled Harry triumphantly. "Wait a minute- Hermione, I think we might have each other's results." They swapped.

"OH NO! I GOT A T IN EVERYTHING!" exclaimed Harry.

"So, Harry, what've you been doing this summer?" Hermione asked him

"I've been hangin' in my bachelor pad, man!" he replied.

"So where'd you get your school books from, if you didn't go to Diagon Alley with us?"

"HOLY CRAP!"

"Don't worry Harry." Hermione waved her wand and muttered "Continuityerrorfixitus." A new set of school books appeared at his side, Ron's purple afro returned to his usual style, and they all froze until they got to Hogwarts.

_A/N: So, did you like it? Should I post the next chapter? R & R! Constructive Criticism welcome, but this is meant to be (a strange form of) humor, not a great work of literature._


	2. The Chapter 2 of almost certain PERIL!

_A/N: Hi- This is- THE CHAPTER TWO OF ALMOST CERTAIN PERIL! But seriously, a big thankyou and cookie to everyone who reviewed (and I'll give anyone who reviews this chapter TWO cookies!)_

_Disclaimer (Which also applies to the first chapter, because I forgot to put one there): I don't own these characters, or anything to do with that world. Cause if I did, I'd be JK Rowling! MAN! That would be _SO _cool! They'd be all- "but we don't have a diamond that big-" and I'd be all- "But I'm JK Rowling, so get me one" and they'd be all- Anyway, what I said before._

"So, in conclusion, I am NOT going to die this book." Dumbledore sat down, nodding at his good friend Severus Snape.

Everyone started to stuff their faces with additives.

"WAIT!" shouted Dumbledore, making everybody spit out their additives.

"We have some new staff here. Professor Sirius Black will take you for Charms, Professor Lupin will take you for Transfiguration, Professor Tonks will be your new Care of Magical Creatures teacher and say hello to your newest, not-at-all-suspicious teacher-Professor Voldemort will be taking you for Divination."

A somewhat-evil (but not in the suspicious way) looking man stood up and bowed to a huge round of applause.

"Cool," said Harry. "It's like I've seen him before somewhere…Meh, it's probably just me."

Obviously all the pupils deciding what levels to do NEWTs in forgot all their dreams, and the qualifications needed for them, and only wanted to do the lessons being taught by Professors Black, Lupin, Tonks and Voldemort. Dumbledore said it was OK for Hermione, who had gotten O's in everything, but not for Harry and Ron, who had gotten all T's.

"Meh, what the hell," he said after five minutes of arguing. "It's not like I'm going to die soon." He changed all their T's into SUPER-O's.

"There you go, boys." he said pleasantly.

After they had received their timetables, Ron and Hermione slacked off their prefect duties to hang with Harry.

"Harry, will you let me crash at your bachelor pad in the summer?" asked Ron.

"Sure thing Ron- if you let me hook up with your sister."

"Word."

And with that word, they all fell asleep.

(asterisk, asterisk, asterik)

"HOLY CRAP HARRY! WE'RE LATE FOR CHARMS!" shouted Hermione, with Ron frantically getting his stuff in the background.

"HOLY CRAP! HAUL ASS! Follow me, books!" They ran to their charms classroom, the three sets of books arriving five minutes before them.

"Woah…Sorr…We're…late…..Proff…Black….physica…exercise…Nooooooooooo!" Harry managed to pant, while Hermione being the observant girl she is, asked "Professor Black? Aren't you meant to be dead?"

"Umm...yes…Can't you see that I am clearly his ghost? I'm a ghost teacher! Like that…history dude, who is never mentioned any more."

"Ahhh, true, that." Hermione replied. "Professor Bunns- we miss you."

"Well, anyway- today we are going to learn how to be charming- and who is more charming than James Bond? What makes him so charming?" A random student put his hand up "His diabolically British accent?"

"Precisely! And today, boys, we're going to practise our British accents, and try them out on the ladies!"

"Sir? We're already British, so we already have British acc-" Hermione started to say.

"Quiet, you! Now stand over there with the other girls, and be scantily-clad and seductive." Hermione immediately had gorgeous hair, perfect teeth, a curvy figure, and a tiny suit that left very very little to the imagination.

"What? I get made over in fanfics all the time- I know what I'm doing."

"Fan…fic?" Harry pondered.

After an hour of being Diabolically British, they hurried out of the door as fast as they could.

"Hey, what do we have next?" Harry asked Hermione, who was still very scantily-clad.

"Umm…Divination, with Professor Voldemort."

_So, how will their lesson with Professor Voldemort go? Will there ever be any romance in this story? Why am I asking you all these questions? Please R&R and tell me if I should continue or curl up and die._


	3. Chapter 2 again! No, just kidding

_Hi! Oh my God, I'm so sorry I haven't updated-stupid Life. Anyway, gives two cookies to everyone who reviewed chapter two Now, seeing as this is chapter three, how many cookies do you think you get? That's right. FOUR!_

"Hey, Hermione!" Ron raised his eyebrows seductively.

"What? Oh." Hermione was immediately back to her usual self, and all her various fanboys sighed.

"Don't worry. There'll be some huge dance in a few weeks where I suddenly turn beautiful again, and get with the hottest guy there." She winked, and all the boys started practising their Super-hotness moves.

By the time that crazy misadventure was over, they were already at the Divination classroom, where everyone was eagerly awaiting Professor Voldemort.

"Harry-I just realized something about Professor Voldemort!" Ron said excitedly. "He has the same name as that dude who was in the back of Quirrel's head! And who was a diary! And who…mysteriously vanished in our third year. BUT THEN HE WAS IN A GRAVEYARD! Spooooooky! And then, in the fifth year, when you battled him in the Ministry of Magic, POW! ZAP! Take that, Voldy!"

"Well yeah, Ron, but duh! That was LORD Voldemort, and this is PROFESSOR Voldemort. See the difference?"

"Well, one is "Lord", and one is "Professor", but it's still Voldemort." said Ron sulkily. "And besides, he does look slightly suspicious." A random Death Eater came and smited Ron; Harry and Hermione laughed heartily at his escapades.

"Come up the ladder, you dumb kids! I've been waiting for five minutes!" Came an angry voice. "I mean- come, new Seers, and let me introduce you to my ways of seeing." You could just tell he was waving his arms around when he said this. As they climbed up the ladder and into the Divination room, you could see Voldemort evaluating everyone as they walked past.

"Ugly, Uglier, Gay." Neville, Dean and Seamus.

"Plastics." Lavender and Parvati.

"Prep, Bodyguard, Failed Bodyguard School." Malfoy, Crabbe and Goyle, who was now staring enviously at Crabbe's Bodyguard School degree and sighing.

"Swot, reject." Hermione and Ron. Then he saw Harry

"Arch-nemisis-Ummm……I mean……Hi, Harry!" He said with a large grin.

Ron glared at Professor Voldemort suspiciously, but Hermione whispered something to him and stamped on his foot. After everyone had taken their seats and shut up, Professor Voldemort began.

"Now class, I'm going to show you one of the most important parts of Divination, the WEAPONS." Ron looked even more suspiciously at him, and even Hermione put up her hand.

"How do weapons relate to Divination?"

"In many ways, swot. Firstly, people used to use Divination to see when people would hit them with weapons. And, I can't think of a second reason right now. Five points from Gryffindor.

"Anyway, as I was saying, one of the most important weapons is the mace. A quick demonstration would be useful here, I think. Arch nemesis-Harry, come up here."

As Harry walked up to Voldemort, Hermione put up her hand.

"Sir, isn't it illegal to hit students with a mace?" He glared at her.

"Yes, I _suppose_ you're right, Miss Swot."

"Sir, are you supposed to be this rude to students?"

"Shut up, Uglier."

A few more rounds of Harryalmost being killed with various weapons later, the bell rang.

"And it's all-right, 'cos I'm saved by the bell!" Harry sang on the way out.

"Dude, who _watches_ that show?" asked Ron "Ta-iiii-na! I know some day, I'm gonna see my name in lights, nothing's gonna stop me, you'll see! I will go far!"

"Anyway, time for the end of the chapter. Harry say something conclusive that'll want the readers to come back for more!" Hermione urged.

"…….I like peas?"

_Was it OK? Should I go hang myself for my poor efforts, or bask in my coolness? Please review!_


	4. Chapter 2 again! That's getting old now

_Well…if you're going to kill me, do it nicely. Also, every time you don't review, God kills a kitten._

Harry woke up, his hand clutching his scar. Because his scar hurting could mean a million different things, including a headache, he knew instantly that Voldemort was nearby.

"Hey, Professor Voldy!" he said to Professor Voldemort, who had a chainsaw near Harry's neck.

"…don't call me Voldy." He said, and then hurled himself out of the window, breaking a few bones on the way down.

"Hey Ron? RON! RON, FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, WHAT'S WRONG WITH YOU?"

"Shh… I'm asleep."

"Ron-seriously. If you were Voldemort, you'd tell me, right?"

"Sure I would."

"'Kay then. Night."

"But Harry-we're already half an hour late for breakfast-"

"I SAID goodnight." With that, Harry rolled over and slept for a few more hours.

(A few hours later)

SUDDENLY AND UNEXPECTEDLY! Hermione ran up.

"Hey, guys!" she shouted. "We have Transfiguration with Professor Lupin!" she then squealed a fangirl squeal.

"Hermione, wasn't Transfiguration, like, three hours ago?"

"Well, yeah, but he expanded the lesson length due to extra interest." She then giggled a fangirl giggle, and ran off.

"Lupin!" Ron shot up in bed. "Let's go!"

A few nanoseconds later

"Hi Professor Lupin!" The whole class was crammed right at the front, grinning madly.

"Hello, class…" The whole class gasped, then fell off their chairs.

"Right," said Lupin. "Today, we'll learn how to turn a…" he looked around desperately, "a lamp into a…chair! Everyone get out your wands and say "hocus pocus, tiddly dee, please get these kids away from me." Everyone immediately did as they were told, and since they were so enthusiastic, all the lamps in the room turned into chairs. It also went dark for some completely unrelated reason.

"So…You're all obsessive Lupin fan…persons, are you?" Lupin said politically correctly. Everyone immediately nodded and displayed the I 3 LUPIN T-shirts Draco Malfoy had been selling outside Herbology proudly.

"Well, since I don't know squat about Transfiguration, and you obviously don't care if you pass your exams or not, why don't you just take photos of me?"

Hermione raised her hand. "Sir, I care if I pass my exams or not."

Lupin glared at her. "So, Hermione. You love qualifications and having a "job" more than you love old Professor Lupin?"

"No, no, NO!" Hermione shouted in shock. "I'm the biggest Lupin fangirl in here! I have THREE _I 3 LUPIN_ T-shirts! I'm even a Remus/Sirius fangirl!"

Lupin gave her a suspicious glance. "Well, I guess you pass the test for now."

"I have FIVE _I 3 LUPIN_ T-shirts…" Dean mumbled angrily from the back.

"Wow," grinned Harry. "That was the best lesson I've ever had!"

"Evah!" agreed Ron and Hermione.

"Well, we have lunch now. Plain, old, predictable lunch. I bet nothing will happen in _lun-_OW, my scar!"

RANDOMLY AND FOR APPARANTLY NO REASON! Professor Voldemort ran up.

"Hey, kids!" he said, grinning.

"Oh, hey Voldy!" said the trio.

"I _said_, don't call me Voldy! Anyway, do you have any…uh…deep dark secrets you'd like to tell me?"

Harry and Hermione shrugged, but Ron let out a giggle, and leaned into Voldy's ear and started whispering.

One boring, predictable lunchtime later

"Well," said Harry. "I guess we have (insert lesson here) with (insert teacher here) now. Let's go!" They all set off, doing a jaunty walk, until Ron stopped and gasped at a large poster that read RON WEASLEY LIKES PEANUT BUTTER!111!"!22!3!

Everyone had stopped to stare at the poster, gasping.

"Ron, is this…true?" whispered Hermione. "Is this what you told Voldy?"

"NO!" shouted Ron. "I told Voldy about my secret crush on Seamu-I mean, I didn't tell him anything!"

"Suuuuuure!" said Harry, in an annoying superior tone.

"Harry, I DON'T LIKE PEANUT BUTTER!" Ron shouted. "WHY WOULD YOU ACCUSE ME OF SOMETHING LIKE THAT? THAT'S SICK AND WRONG!"

"Suuuuuure!" grinned Harry.

"Harry, I'm warning you…"

"Suuuuure!"

Ron growled. "That's it! I'm not talking to you two anymore!" he yelled.

"What did I do?" asked Hermione, shocked.

"You didn't notice all the obvious Ron/Hermione evidence in the books!"

"Ron, it was _you_ who didn't notice the Ron/Hermione evidence."

"Yeah….well…NYHHHHH!" And with that, Ron stormed off.

Round a corner, Professor Voldemort cackled. "My first step to destroying Harry Potter is in progress…now to get rid of Hermione!"

DUN!

DUN!

DUUUUUUUUUNNNNNNN!


End file.
